During the 1980s, we were told by parenting experts that lavishing our children with unearned praise and undying attention would give them high self-esteem.
But were they right?
Yes, but not in the way we hoped they would be.
Forty years later, Martha Stout wrote a book called The Sociopath Next Door in which she quotes a statistic that says 4% of Americans are now sociopaths, probably because of too much self-esteem.
Whoops.
It turns out that raising a child with the “special-child” syndrome breeds people who lack empathy, i. e., sociopaths and narcissists.
“How do you prevent a little sociopath from becoming a big, full-blown sociopath? Sit on him.”
Four percent might not seem like much, but when you consider that one in every 25 people you know may be a sociopath, you want to start shaking every parent you see and yell, “Leave the kid alone!”
Children don’t need unearned praise, and they don’t need parents hovering over them.
Part of the problem is that we confuse self-esteem and self-confidence
High self-esteem is an overinflated view of your worth that leads to sociopathic disorders, while having confidence means you know your capabilities.
If you are skilled at something, you gain confidence; if you are poor at something, you lack confidence.
A very simple equation!
A question to ask is how do we raise a confident child without turning him into the sociopath next door?
Children develop self-confidence, as we do, by becoming competent people. Reaching a level of competency in a skill is what makes them feel self-confident.
When your children learn how to do things well, whether it be to develop excellent social skills, play a musical instrument, or learn daring skateboard tricks, they build confidence in their skills but also in who they are as a person.
But acquiring self-confidence doesn’t just happen overnight. It requires hard work and patience because skills take a long time to develop.
My advice: Ignore the outdated strategies for developing high self-esteem, and, instead, focus on helping your children develop self-confidence by becoming better at skills that are worth becoming better at.
Get a copy of Liz’s “could not homeschool without” book, Education’s Not the Point: How Schools Fail to Train Children’s Minds and Nurture Their Characters with groundbreaking Essays on educating your kids by John Taylor Gatto, Dorothy Sayers, and Liz herself.
About Elizabeth Y. Hanson
Developing a comprehensive understanding of how to raise and educate a “whole” child, based on tradition and modern research, Liz devotes her time to helping parents to get it right.
Liz is a homeschooling thought-leader, as well as the creator of three unique online courses, Raise Your Child Well: Preserving Your Child's Natural Genius by Laying a Solid Foundation During the First Seven Years; the Smart Homeschooler Academy, educating children who are brilliant, happy, and well-socialized; and How to Teach Your Child to Read and Raise a Child Who Loves to Read.
As an Educator, Homeschool Emerita, Writer, and Love and Leadership Certified Parenting Coach, Liz has 24 years of experience guiding parents through the amazing journey of raising and educating their children.
Liz is also available for one-on-one consultations as needed.
"I know Elizabeth Y. Hanson as a remarkably intelligent, highly sensitive woman with a moral nature and deep insight into differences between schooling and education. Elizabeth's mastery of current educational difficulties is a testimony to her comprehensive understanding of the competing worlds of schooling and education. She has a good heart and a good head. What more can I say?”
—John Taylor Gatto Distinguished educator, public speaker, and best-selling author of Dumbing Us Down: The Hidden Curriculum of Compulsory Schooling. For a copy of The Short Angry History of Compulsory Schooling, click here.
