I'm not going to mention names but I was listening to this reel about screens and children from someone whose work I respect. This time, I hit the "watch again" link.

"Did I really just hear that?" I asked myself. So I played it again, and yes, I did really just hear that.

Below is the transcript of what he said, and then I'm going to analyze it. The problems inherent in this message sum up what is wrong with pop psychology’s views on raising children.

It also shows why turning to it for guidance on how to raise your children will leave you in the same predicament as our psychologist, whose words I quote:

"Once kids get a phone and social media, the rest of the family life turns into a fight over screen time. And this is happening everywhere. This is happening in Silicon Valley, where the parents know what's going on. In fact, in Silicon Valley, you're much more likely to find parents who say, no, you cannot have this because we know how bad it is.

Why do we give our 10-year-olds a phone? The main reason is because everyone else did, and we don't want our daughter to be the only one who's left out. I'm facing this now with my 14-year old daughter on Snapchat. So the tech companies put us in a bind, and then they're trying to blame us for what they did.

They, a few companies, three or four companies largely own childhood. They have far more influence on our children than we do, at least in terms of the amount of time they can spend influencing. They vastly exceed the power of parents. And then they want to say, "oh, but it's your fault!"

"No," it's their fault."

What’s Wrong With This Picture?

Do you see anything wrong with the picture he has painted of parents, children, and screen use?

As a certified parenting coach under John Rosemond, the only psychologist I know of with any common sense left, here's my analysis:

Point One

"Once kids get a phone and social media, the rest of the family life turns into a fight over screen time."

He is absolutely right, but he speaks as if it is a given that a child who reaches ten years of age automatically gets a phone, as if the parent has no choice.

So why do we give our 10-year-olds a phone? He answers the question for us, and his answer is what led me to listen to his reel twice.

Point Two

"The main reason is because everyone else did, and we don't want our daughter to be the only one who's left out. I'm facing this now with my 14-year-old daughter on Snapchat."

OMG.

"Because everyone else did," is not a reason! If everyone else was telling their child to drink poison, would that be a reason for you to tell your child to do the same?

Of course not!

What said psychologist is telling us is that parents have failed to establish their authority with their children, himself included.

And then he goes on to tell us what kind of a parent he is being…

Point Three

"So the tech companies put us in a bind, and then they're trying to blame us for what they did."

Now, before I make my next comment, don't get me wrong. Where children are concerned, the tech industry is particularly unethical and cruel. I stand 100% with our psychologist on this point.

But to blame the tech companies for your failure to establish boundaries with your child is to put yourself in the position of a victim, a person without agency.

If you cannot accept responsibility for how you are showing up as a parent, then you cannot correct the problem, and there is definitely a problem.

Point Four

"They, a few companies, 3 or 4 companies largely own childhood. They have far more influence on our children than we do, at least in terms of the amount of time they can spend influencing. They vastly exceed the power of parents."

They do because you handed your children over to them. You bought your child the phone. You gave your child permission to use social media. The tech industry did not do these things; you did.

Point Five

"And then they want to say, "oh, but it's your fault." "No," it's their fault."

Actually, it is your fault. Screens and social media are not the problem; they are a symptom of the problem.

Screen-Free Children Do Still Exist

There are plenty of parents raising their children screen-free who do not have the kind of problems our psychologist mentioned.

Our psychologist went on to advise parents to hold off on the smart phones until the child is 14 and to hold off on social media until the child is 16.

If you give a 14-year old a smartphone, they will use it for social media—that's a no-brainer.

John Rosemond's advice is no smart phones as long as the child lives at home, and it is wise advice.

Real-Life Experience

My daughter got a smart phone at age 17 and my son at age 15. The reasons for their phones seemed legitimate at the time. My son had a job and his employer gave him the phone and paid the bill so they could stay in touch. I gave my permission for this.

My daughter had wanted a smart phone, and she was soon going to be a legal adult, so I told her that as long as she paid for it and paid for her bill, she could get one.

Both decisions I lived to regret because once the smart phone enters the home, so do the conversations of when and when not it is to be used.

While my children were not argumentative with me about their phone use, it was still a conversation I resented having to have with them. The dynamics in our home changed once the smart phone was invited in.

My advice for parents is no smartphones for the children, ever, as long as they live at home. If they reach the teens and must have a phone to stay connected with friends, let it be a flip phone. Also, the child pays for his phone with money he earned, and he pays his phone bill.

I understand that times have changed, but the needs of children have not changed. They still need parents who stand tall, who protect them, and who guide them to become the best of who they can be.

Don’t miss your free download: 10 Books Every Well-Educated Child Should Read.

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About Elizabeth Y. Hanson aka Liz

Liz Hanson helps parents raise and educate whole children by bridging timeless wisdom with modern research.

As an educator, writer, and Love and Leadership Certified Parenting Coach with 23 years of experience, Liz specializes in guiding families through the transformative early years and the homeschooling journey. After successfully homeschooling her own children, she now devotes her expertise to helping other parents get it right from the start.

Liz is a homeschooling thought-leader, as well as the creator of three unique online courses:

Whether you're navigating early childhood, considering homeschooling, or wanting to nurture a genuine love of learning in your child, Liz offers practical guidance rooted in proven principles.

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"I know Elizabeth Hanson as a remarkably intelligent, highly sensitive woman with a moral nature and deep insight into differences between schooling and education. Elizabeth's mastery of current educational difficulties is a testimony to her comprehensive understanding of the competing worlds of schooling and education. She has a good heart and a good head. What more can I say?”

—John Taylor Gatto Distinguished educator, public speaker, and best-selling author of Dumbing Us Down: The Hidden Curriculum of Compulsory Schooling. For a copy of The Short Angry History of Compulsory Schooling, click here.